There are many things I should do. There are many ways I should act. I don't know which one to keep up all the time. Life is easier if I acted cold and distant. I've always somewhat been alone, so I shouldn't fear loneliness. I'm scared of losing people. I'm scared of being the reason why I lost them. I try really hard to control myself, but then I don't know what is the right "should." Should I try harder? Should I push myself back? Should I just give up? I'm not comfortable with having no friends, but it's always an extreme for me. I either have no friends, or I have to juggle all of the relationships. I love them all. I'm just bad at juggling. I want to breathe. I don't know what to do. I can't stop myself. I want to stop being like this. I don't want to only think of them. I have my own life to care about, but he's a big part of it. It's difficult. I want to continue loving them, but I don't want to love them more than what we are. It'd be different if the feelings were mutual, which they are blatantly obviously not. I can't handle this. I don't want to be like this. I should get back to doing other things. I'm tired of always thinking so much. I hate making decisions. I'm whining, I know. If I don't want to, then I should change. I'm trying, but I never feel like it's enough. I hate doing new things, because I never start out good. I hate trying to get better at things I'll probably never improve on simply because I don't want to feel stupid. I also don't want to stay forever where I'm at. I feel so suffocating. I make no sense. I miss when I was just a child. I miss when I was only thinking of being happy alone or just with friends. I blame myself for my unhappiness. I'm letting myself be unhappy. What is right? What is wrong? Ranting over.
[2011/07/22 17:59 ] | Category: None | Comments(0) | Trackbacks(0) | page top
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