What I had wanted.
I wanted to make you proud. I wanted to gain approval. I wanted to be good enough. I wanted to be praised. I wanted to be loved. That's all I had wanted from you. Why do you make me feel like I'm the horrible one? You've done more than enough to make me write you off as someone that's not my mom, yet I can't bring myself to detach this relationship. I'm grateful for you having given life to me, but there is a difference between gratitude and like/dislike. You really haven't ever put in consideration for my feelings. I know I always keep them locked in, but that's because what can I say? There's no point when I'm not given a choice. If you weren't selfish and self-centered, I'm sure you would have known that I WANTED you to come to my graduation ceremony, I'm sure you would have KNOWN it wasn't right to make me give dad the divorce papers, I'm sure you should know I don't want to deal with you anymore. I can't do it though. I'm not sure if it's because I care about you or the money I need to continue my college experience. I've been crying my eyes out these past few days, wondering if it would be horrible for me to cut off all ties. I still don't know. I'm not mature enough to accept this. I don't want to lose my mommy. I don't care if she was horrible to me, she wasn't always this way. What happened? Was it my fault? Was I the one who made her give up on me? These questions drive me crazy. I don't know what to do. I don't want advice, I don't know who to talk to, I don't know who will listen, I don't know. At the same time I want just a hug, I also want to cry on someone's shoulder for hours on end. I don't trust anyone enough to do so though. The only person I trust enough to do so at the same time, I can't be a burden to them.
[2011/10/02 02:55 ] | Category: None | Comments(0) | Trackbacks(0) | page top
<<Pokimono thrill. | HOME | It's normal to miss such joy.>>
Post a comment

Only the blog author may view the comment.

Trackbacks URL
Use trackback on this entry.
| HOME |