I'm so through with it.
I don't know how to deal anymore. I can't even act ok for more than a couple of hours before breaking down and crying. I'm starting to alienate myself just in the fear and worry I do to myself. I worry a lot. I give myself too much to worry about. I worry if I'll have friends even though I have quite a few. I worry that they don't know the real me, because in all honesty, they don't. I don't show people how I really am. I give them the happy, cheerful, derpy, friendly side of me, but when push comes the shove, all that is only a part of the darker, insecure me. I'm afraid of no one loving me. Not even in the friendship way, because honestly, I push people away in hopes that they'll come back and hug me telling me it's ok to be me. It's hard. I've done this my whole life. I'm not a lovable, cute person. I CAN BE. I am, when I'm not thinking about worrying about everything. I am afraid to be loved. I'm not afraid to love. I'll give and give. I'm just so afraid to take and receive in fear of being rejected. I am completely afraid of that. Part of it is due to my family issues. Part of it is due to friend issues. A lot of it is simply self-doubt. I always feel like no matter how I love someone, they always, without fail, move on with their lives without me. I give all I have in relationships, friends or love, well I've never had a romantic relationship, but darn me to heck, if I don't give my all. I always feel like I do all the work, I do all the talking, I am the only one who's trying to keep up with them, that in the end, I let go, hoping they'll pull me back, but in almost every situation, some honestly just let me go, leaving me to think, was I the only one who cared? I'm not sure of myself. I've lost a lot of friends who just never tried to pull me back when I stop being the one who contacts them first, when I stop being the one who plans things, when I'm the one who stops trying. And I'm so sick of that. I hate good byes. I hate farewells. I hate the feeling of wondering if people really care, push comes the shove. I don't have anyone in "real life." The only one I had is no longer within my reach. I don't trust easily, and when I do give you my trust, please don't take it for granted. I can't take much more heart break. I wish I could talk to people easier about myself. I'm not very good at it. I never know where to start. I never know when to stop. I'm so sick of living like this. I just want someone to reach for me once in my life instead of always trying to grasp what's never there. Disappointment always seems so inevitable.
[2011/10/31 10:51 ] | Category: None | Comments(0) | Trackbacks(0) | page top
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