Some of the things on my mind lately.
This is just gonna be a tangent of things I feel like I can't say or shouldn't say.

First of all, my eyes are screaming bloody murder and telling me to sleep.

Second, Utattemita Confessions. I feel like I've woken up to a lot of personalities I wish I didn't see. It's hard. I just feel like while I don't agree with the opinions of some of the anons, I also feel like when some of the utaites on YT see some things about them, we all get a bit defensive. It's hard. I feel like I can't say what I want to say in public sometimes, in fear of being ridiculed. I feel like I ridicule others at times because I feel their opinion is wrong. It's hard. Everything is perspective. Nothing is set in stone. Everyone has their say and opinions, and while we disagree, I wish, with all my heart, I and a lot of others at times, would stop making it seem like we're mindlessly bashing in disagreement. I know what some people are saying, but I wish the wording wouldn't be so harsh, then again, I'm a soft mofo. I know I have no backbone. I wish I did. I wish I was more firm with my belief and everything, but I can't. I'm insecure. I don't have confidence. I've never really had confidence unless I knew FOR SURE, I was correct. I don't know. I just feel that there is also a lot of misunderstanding. I wish it was possible to understand people's true intentions. It's hard to work on something like this at times, because I don't want to cause drama or feel like I am, but it's just...I wish there was a right answer for everything, but there isn't. We can never satisfy everyone. I wish I could though. I just want everyone I care about to be happy, but I don't want to upset others I don't know as well. I wish I would also be strong, yet remain caring. I wish I didn't feel like some people step all over me, but I let them. I wish I could make people understand how I feel. I wish they'd look at me the same way, but even I can't do that. I wish I'd stop being so passive. I wish I'd stop wishing for things when I need to just go and do them. I only know how to make excuses for myself.

Third, I'm in my second semester of school. I will do better this time. I like the teachers I have so far. I feel little bursts of pride surging when I receive a compliment from an instructor about my ideas. Why is it that I lose confidence so quickly? I don't know. I wonder if it's because I was constantly told it was never enough, so I never think it's enough. I'm weak. I'm an ugly person. I always want to cry, but all I do is fake this persona of mine. However, is it fake? It is a part of me, I know that much, but in the end, it's not all of me. I just want to be loved, I just want to love.

Fourth, Valentine's. I wish I had one. I don't know what's become of my fascination with romance these recent years, but I guess as we all grow older, one wants to experience some kind of company even on these days, right? It's a pretty shallow day in a way, since if you love someone, every day should be an opportunity for you to be romantic with them, not just this one day. I guess I just want a display of affection every now and then? I know it feels nice to be loved. ; u ; I'm just being a mope right now because I realized it was coming up, and once again, no one's my Valentine. It's ok. It's ok. It's alright. While I want to say it doesn't matter, which really, it shouldn't, but being pampered once in a while is nice, y'know? I don't get much of it truly, and every little thing means a lot, but I'm greedy, and I'll end up wanting more. I'm only human. I don't know. I should feel tons pampered since I know so many people and love so many of them, but I always have the Elizabeth voice nagging at me, telling me, "What if they don't really like you? Just like me." It's a horrible thing to think and I feel horrible every time I hear it and believe it, because I want to trust these people like they trust me. I should stop feeling sorry for myself and get my ass out of my pity party, but really, can I for once, have someone let me break down and cry without telling me I'm weak? I know there's people who do that for me, but I want more. I'm really greedy. I am. I know I am, and that's why I always feel like I'm a horrible person, but I know that I'm also a good person. I will do almost anything I can for the people I love. I know that, but is it enough to redeem all my bad qualities? I wonder.

Just things on my mind. HOMEWORK, Y U NO DO YOURSELF?
[2012/02/02 01:06 ] | Category: None | Comments(0) | Trackbacks(0) | page top
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